I've done it! I finally had the guts to go into the bathers shop and ask for help. Normally, I slink in and try and hide behind the racks of skimpy slivers of lycra and nonchantly look for the larger ladies bathers and slink out again with nothing. Why do they put the bathers for the fuller-figure ladies way at the back of the shop? It's like we have to walk the walk of shame. Why can't they put them midway down the shop to one side so, if you are not a gorgeous 20-something, tanned, size 10, you can slink in inconspicuously.
This horror of buying new bathers is how I ended up in Queensland with a 10 year old tankini with dodgy elastic in one leg.
As my departure to Bundaberg for my 'sea change' is rapidly approaching I thought it was time to get myself a sexy new cossie. This time, I asked for help - a fairly novel concept for me. I must complement the assistant in the Seafolly shop at DFO in Essendon - she really new her stuff. She brought me in about six pair of bathers and all of them fitted, hid some of my problem areas (maybe not all of the muffin top but, hell, she isn't a miracle worker) and looked pretty dam god - even if I say so myself.
I am now the proud owner of two cossies - one tankini and a sexy aqua and white one piece which really highlights my curves. I am now ready for my sea-change.
One downfall that I'd forgotten all about when one wears bathers on a regular basis and that is the whole waxing ordeal. Having grown up in Queensland waxing became a normal part of my beauty routine but I never got used to the excruciating pain. You would think by the time you get to 50 this wouldn't be necessary - that nature would have stepped in to give us a break from unwanted bloody hair. Or perhaps nature thought that by the time you got to 50 you woldn't be wearing bathers. Someone needs to remind 'nature' that 50 is the new 40!
I can't understand why underarm hair, leg hair and bikini line hair never stops growing but, for some reason, over-plucked or waxed eyebrows don't grow back even though I'd welcome full, thick and glamorous eyebrows. Whatever possessed us to pluck our eyebrows so thin in the 70s? Has anybody come up with a 'yeah yeah' solution for eyebrow regrowth?
Saturday, 23 April 2011
Sunday, 17 April 2011
Insomnia
We've all been there - lying awake at 2.00am, tossing and turning, watching the clock and calculating how long you've got before you need to get up and function as a human being.
There are a million cures for insomnia but let's face it, if you've got real issues in your life and big decisions to be made, counting sheep just doesn't cut it. I've counted so many sheep I could get a job as a shepherd. Come to think of it, I should add this skill to my resume because I am looking for a job.
I find I get more sleep on the couch in front of the television. The pressure to sleep isn't as great there.
Did you know that there are old episodes of "Love Boat" on in the early hours of the morning? They don't make shows like that anymore do they! I can remember wanting to be a cruise director like Julie when I was younger and wear those fantastic clothes. Nothing beats the glamour of the 1970s and 1980s. Did you know that Billy Crystal was one of the writers for this show - no wonder I love "When Harry Met Sally". Anyway, back to my insomnia issues. Due to lack of sleep I can't stay focussed.
Apart from Love Boat, there is Shopping TV on just about every free-to-air channel during the early hours.
I am now the proud owner of an Abmaster Pro, a steam mop and a heavy-duty juicer that claims you can virtually put the entire fruit tree in one end and get a healthy glass of juice out the other.
I've been tempted on a number of occasions to ring up for the AAH bra - that's what its called. This isn't a 'typo'. It's like a little crop top that you can layer and it has no underwire or clips and claims to make the most saggy boobs look perky.
Insomnia is a costly exercise for me personally but it's obviously very good for the economy. Surely I can't be the only person ringing in to get these fantastic deals before they run out. I bet nobody ever sends the stuff back if they aren't completely satisfied because it is just way too much trouble. You just fold up your Abmaster Pro and put it under the bed to gather dust and drag it out to sell at your next garage sale.
Don't even start me on garage sales - someone needs to shoot me if I ever utter those words again!
These shopping TV companies are preying on insomniacs because we are weakened from lack of sleep and not seeing reason and generally forgetting we already own a steam mop and a juicer we've only used once.
I wonder why they don't promote sleeping tablets or weird whale music in the early hours of the morning - at least they are things that might help people get to sleep because I'm telling you that I have never steam-mopped, juiced a fruit tree or did ab-crunches at 2.00am. Marketing gurus really need to pick up on this cheap TV time-slot and start doing infomercials for products to help the insomniacs in the world.
Tonight I might just try a big nip of Bundaberg Rum and hope that works. Whatever way it turns out, it's going to be cheaper than buying another piece of crap to sell at my next garage sale.
Deb
There are a million cures for insomnia but let's face it, if you've got real issues in your life and big decisions to be made, counting sheep just doesn't cut it. I've counted so many sheep I could get a job as a shepherd. Come to think of it, I should add this skill to my resume because I am looking for a job.
I find I get more sleep on the couch in front of the television. The pressure to sleep isn't as great there.
Did you know that there are old episodes of "Love Boat" on in the early hours of the morning? They don't make shows like that anymore do they! I can remember wanting to be a cruise director like Julie when I was younger and wear those fantastic clothes. Nothing beats the glamour of the 1970s and 1980s. Did you know that Billy Crystal was one of the writers for this show - no wonder I love "When Harry Met Sally". Anyway, back to my insomnia issues. Due to lack of sleep I can't stay focussed.
Apart from Love Boat, there is Shopping TV on just about every free-to-air channel during the early hours.
I am now the proud owner of an Abmaster Pro, a steam mop and a heavy-duty juicer that claims you can virtually put the entire fruit tree in one end and get a healthy glass of juice out the other.
I've been tempted on a number of occasions to ring up for the AAH bra - that's what its called. This isn't a 'typo'. It's like a little crop top that you can layer and it has no underwire or clips and claims to make the most saggy boobs look perky.
Insomnia is a costly exercise for me personally but it's obviously very good for the economy. Surely I can't be the only person ringing in to get these fantastic deals before they run out. I bet nobody ever sends the stuff back if they aren't completely satisfied because it is just way too much trouble. You just fold up your Abmaster Pro and put it under the bed to gather dust and drag it out to sell at your next garage sale.
Don't even start me on garage sales - someone needs to shoot me if I ever utter those words again!
These shopping TV companies are preying on insomniacs because we are weakened from lack of sleep and not seeing reason and generally forgetting we already own a steam mop and a juicer we've only used once.
I wonder why they don't promote sleeping tablets or weird whale music in the early hours of the morning - at least they are things that might help people get to sleep because I'm telling you that I have never steam-mopped, juiced a fruit tree or did ab-crunches at 2.00am. Marketing gurus really need to pick up on this cheap TV time-slot and start doing infomercials for products to help the insomniacs in the world.
Tonight I might just try a big nip of Bundaberg Rum and hope that works. Whatever way it turns out, it's going to be cheaper than buying another piece of crap to sell at my next garage sale.
Deb
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