How do I like my eggs?

Am I Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride"?  I have the freedom to be anybody I want to be but, in the immortal words of Janis Joplin,  "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose".

Twelve months ago, the life I had and was happy with disintegrated and I've been to hell and back and am now in the re-building phase.  As I was talking to my psychologist yesterday (thank God for her or there wouldn't be much re-building happening - there would only be crumbled foundations!) it occurred to me that my life is somewhat of a chiche.  I found myself saying things like, "I am a kinder and more compassionate person now",  "Time helps heal", "Need to find the passion", "Life is too short", etc. etc.  I sounded like a self-help book.

Back to Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride" ...  I am on a journey to find out how I like my eggs. 

Up to now I've often gone along with my partner's passion and now I need to re-kindle my own likes and interests.  As yet, I've not tried sky-diving or bungee jumping - who knows, that could end up on my list. 

I did go back boogie boarding recently and it was fantastic.  There is boogie-boarding after breast cancer which is good so that is definitely something I will continue to pursue.  My kayak finally hit water so that's another pursuit I shall continue with.  In fact, we are talking about an all-girl's camping and kayaking trip which could be interesting.  I shall keep you informed on how that pans out.  I have a swag so I don't need to pitch a tent but I have a feeling we could end up in luxury cabins by a dam somewhere sipping champagne on the verandah as the sun goes down.  Actually, the latter sounds a little more how I like me eggs...

I am going to be joining a Lions Club which I'm looking forward to getting involved with.  It will be nice to do some fund-raising and helping out in the community.  It's been years since I've done that and it was always something I loved to do when I was in my twenties.  I had so much support from people when I was undergoing treatment that I want to be able to "give something back" and I think this will help me to do that. 

So, things are slowly moving on for me and this next year is all about finding Debra.  I've no doubt there will be some pitfalls along the way but, as the saying goes, "Life is about the journey, not the destination". 

So many sayings and cliches and so little time.

Sunshine State

Well, it was too good to last.  The sun has stopped shining and the rains are here!  The temperature has dropped dramatically and I suspect I will need to buy a coat for the dog.  No sooner had I blogged about the sun and the heavens opened.

On the positive side though my tank is now full.  I've become obsessed with having water in the tank and it has been empty for a couple of weeks so the past few days I've been out there knocking on the side of it to see if I could tell where the water-level is.  Why don't tank designers just automatically put a little viewing thingie on the side so you know if you have water or not.  Probably invented by a guy I'd say.  Anyway, when I went out this morning it was overflowing so I've switched everything back to tank water, i.e. washing machine, toilets, hoses so I feel very virtuous now by conserving water.

I am getting very excited about going back to work next week.  It has been nearly 12 months since I've worked and I am looking forward to focusing on things other than ME.    I am forcing myself to watch snippets of the news and current affair programs as I make my transformation back into the real world.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still getting my fill of Love Boat, Brady Bunch, Golden Girls, Big Bang Theory and of course, Happy Days.  Fortunately, my hours of work will still allow me to watch some of these old time favourites but some will have to go so this week I'm weaning myself off them so the loss isn't too great.

The other good reason for going back to work is that I've started baking cookies.  I'm not sure I've done that before and from scratch, not out of a packet.  Just call me the Domestic Goddess.  I made Anzac biscuits and jam drops and today I'm getting ready to make Gingerbread men for Christmas.

Anyway, must run as Love Boat has already started.

I'm officially a Queenslander

Well, my transformation from Victorian to Queenslander is complete.

Not only do I own two pair of rubber thongs and have a bit of a tan happening but my number plates remind me that I am part of the Sunshine State.  The transformation became complete yesterday when I registered my car in Queensland and collected my new number plates and, for some strange reason, all I could do was cry.  It felt like I was betraying my Victorian family and friends.  I know that sounds crazy, but this is my blog site and I'll cry if I want to.

That 'Sunshine State' is certainly living up to its reputation at the moment.  It is really hot here and I am taking a while to get used to the heat and humidity.  I go to aqua aerobics a couple of times a week because it is way too hot to do any other form of exercise at the moment. 

I even relented and got the dog clipped - he was not a happy puppy I can tell you.  When I brought him home from the groomers he hid out in the spare bedroom for the remainder of the day and for the first few days walks had to be taken under cover of darkness.  However, he is now accustomed to it and I think he realises I did it for his own good and he is no longer sprawled out on the tiles panting although the above photo would contradict this.  Most people have seen him now and have stopped laughing at him so that is probably helping his self-esteem.  The last thing I need is to have to put the dog in therapy!  Since the dog has been clipped, my vacuum cleaner has been having a well-earned rest.  The house isn't filled with swirling dog hair and I'd forgotten what that was like.  Just for the record, even the dog is now registered in Queensland.  As I said, the transformation from Victorian to Queenslander is officially complete.

Crikey - went to Australia Zoo

I know it wasn't on my 'gunnado' list but I went to Australia Zoo last week-end and I am sad to say that it was the first time I'd been.  It was fantastic and I felt a bit like a kid again feeding the elephants, cheering in the crocoseum and patting the kangaroos and koalas. 

I did, however, say I wanted to take plenty of photographs while I was in Brisbane and I certainly did that at Australia Zoo!  I was clicking away like a woman possessed.  What did we do before digital cameras?  I take hundreds now because then I've got a good chance of getting one or two brilliant memories.

Lately I've been thinking about 'passion' and I'm not sure I've ever had a great passion for any particular hobby or cause.  That's not to say I've not had an interest in things because I've tried plenty of different activities and enjoyed them but I've not had that burning desire to keep on doing any one in particular.  Alan had a passion for fishing and he lived and breathed it and I envied him that and now I wish I had a passion for something. Am I too old I wonder to get that?  I really hope not. 

Perhaps I need to live life a little more on the edge and try a lot more things to see if something sparks the passion.  I had been thinking of going back to scuba diving - something I did a lot of in my twenties and really enjoyed.  I have my kayak which is yet to hit the water and for those of you who have read my earlier blogs, I do love to boogie-board.  Fortunately the weather is now getting warm enough for me to start indulging in some of these summer activities so who knows, I might just spark a passion for one of them.

Being at Australia Zoo and seeing Steve Irwin's passion come to life really highlighted my lack of 'passion' for something.  I can pretty much tell you that my passion isn't going to be knitting or playing the guitar - both 'gunnado' items dropping fairly quickly on my list over the last six weeks.  If I'd had a true passion for them surely I'd have found the time to do more of them ...

Anyway, I am into my final two days of radiotherapy in Brisbane and will be back home this week-end and I am looking forward to getting Chewie back with me permanently and beginning the next chapter of my new life.  Who knows what it will hold but I have to remember not to become too complacent and try and live my life more actively and passionately and take the odd risk along the way because as the old cliche goes, 'life isn't a dress rehearsal'.

I think I'm becoming a little bit too philosophical with so much time to think about the meaning of life - maybe I'm spending too much time in the self-help section of the library and book-shops and think I may need to move into the 'Action' section.

 

Radiotherapy Update

Well, I'm already approaching my third week of radiotherapy and so far so good.  I've not been burnt to a crisp yet but it may be worthwhile buying shares in the Sorbolene company I'm using because I am now buying it by the litre - there is no need to muck around with those 250ml tubes.

The 'gunnado' list hasn't got too many ticks against it yet but, surprisingly, I've not been bored as I've had people with me most of the time playing tourist here in Brisbane.  I watched the AFL Grand Final at the Gold Coast casino with a Collingwood supporter so that worked out well, unless of course you are a 'Pies' fan.  I must say, as the match progressed there were more and more Geelong supporters coming out of the wood work, unless of course they were Collingwood supporters jumping ship.

We went on the giant Brisbane Wheel at Southbank which was quite good, admittedly it's not the London Eye but at least they have one that is still standing, unlike Melbourne!  As far as my Thai cooking class goes, I have gone and eaten at the restaurant to ensure that the food is good - I don't want to learn to cook 'dodgy' Thai food.  On the other hand, if it turns out I'm not that good at it I could always blame the cooking school ... good chance I will do that anyway.

Why do we use ... (dot dot dot) when we write I wonder?  It really does leave things up to the reader to interpret but I like it because it can say everything or it can say nothing at all.  Maybe it's a cop out but as the song goes, "You say it best when you say nothing at all".

I'm still knitting and am actually considering something a little more challenging having found a few videos online to show me how to increase and decrease stitches.  I think it's time I moved on from the basic square because life is too short for just squares - you need a few bends and twists along the way so you don't become too staid.  It's time I started challenging myself again - even if it is in the knitting arena.  Unlike other people who are diagnosed with cancer and go on to achieve amazing feats like conquering Mount Everest, starting their own Foundation etc etc.  It does make me sound a bit slack really but a very good friend of mine said that not everybody has to do something amazing, that the World needs cogs in the wheel as well. 

That sounds a bit like a cop out though, maybe we are all meant to achieve something amazing in our life.  If nothing else, getting diagnosed with cancer does make you question life a lot more.  At this stage though I've not got any answers - just questions.

Stage 2 - Radiotherapy

Well, I have begun Stage 2 of my recovery program with my first session of radiotherapy today.  I am not glowing in the dark which is a good thing but I'm guessing by the end of the six weeks I won't need a microwave!

It is such a scary process - like anything I suppose, the first time you have to do something you know nothing about is frightening.  I was like that when I started the chemotherapy - scared out of my wits!  The good thing is though that I survived that and I'm sure I will survive this as well.

The hardest thing is being in Brisbane and away from my new home.  I'd only just started nesting and I had to pack up and leave it all behind. 

I don't believe that the radiotherapy will make me sick - just a bit tired.  Ex chemo patients apparently don't find it too bad.  The chemotherapy obviously toughens us up and we can cope with almost anything - even getting "nucked" - is that how you spell "nucked" - you know what I mean anyway.

It was amazing how many people were there in the oncology day therapy section at Brisbane hospital.  It is so sad to think that so many people are being treated for cancer - I'm definitely not on my own that's for sure.  It does make me continue to ask "Why?"

Anyway, instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself I need to re-visit my "gunnadoo" list and start planning.  I actually am feeling quite stressed at the moment and a bit tearie  because I am so out of my comfort zone and am not sure what the future holds.  Again, it is that sense of being alone that freaks me out more than the cancer, chemotherapy or radiotherapy. 

On a brighter note though I picked up instalment 4 of "The Art of Knitting" so I will start on my fourth square today and perhaps learn a new stitch or two and enjoy the nice warm weather here in Brisbane.

Gunnado List

When I was working I was a list freak.  I had lists for everything.  My running sheets were legendary amongst my colleagues when organising events and could quite easily run over three pages.

Since I've stopped work, I can barely find a pen and I've given up wearing a watch but I'm beginning to think if I don't start making lists and getting my act together, I'll do nothing but talk about what I'm 'gunnado'. 

As part of my treatment, I need to spend six weeks in Brisbane getting radiotherapy so I've decided to make the most of this time and use it as a health retreat. OK, I know what you are thinking - 'radiotherapy' isn't usually listed as a health treatment at the world's top spa resorts along with Sea Salt Massage and Hot Rock therapy but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.  I figure if I fill the six weeks up with pleasant things then the actual 'radiotherapy' will take a back-seat.

I thought if I actually put in writing here on my blog site the things I'm 'gunnado', it may well force me to do them (or at least some of them).

• Find a yoga class and go as often as possible
• Learn to meditate
• Do some light weight training
• Take my juicer and invent healthy fruit & vegetable concoctions
• Do a Thai and/or Vegetarian cooking class 
• Walk everyday
• Go on Brisbane's giant ferris wheel at Southbank
• Take a trip on a Brisbane River Cat
• Visit the art gallery (try and put some culture into my life)
• Do a photography course for a day
• Take lots of photos and write
• Keep up my knitting

The knitting is a bit left-field but I'm finding it quite therapeutic although I'm still only knitting squares at the moment. I'm not sure I'll get past the squares actually.  Those knitting patterns look a bit tricky I reckon - especially at the moment when I have the attention span of a gnat.  That's a weird saying isn't it?  How do poeople know that gnats have a short attention span.  It's a bit derogatory to gnats even though I don't really even know what one is - a gnat that is.

It will be interesting to see how many of these things I do during my six-week sabatical.