Living My Life

It's been a while since I've blogged and I can only put that down to the fact that I am back living my life and I see that as a positive.  Rather than sitting at home watching chick flicks and blogging about life I'm out there living - you could say that I am the leading lady in my own Chick Flick.

For those of you who read my blog you will know that it is just over 12 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent surgery etc. etc.  Well, 12 months on and my mammogram was clear which was a massive relief for me. 

I try not to even think about BC now but part of my treatment is hormone therapy which involves taking a tablet (Tamoxofin) every day.  I HATE IT!!!!  I have been thrown head-first into menopause.  What a shock.  Firstly, let me apologise to all those women who I didn't truly believe when they said how horrific hot flushes and night sweats are.

The day-time hot flushes are bad enough but the night sweats are indescribable.  I find myself going to bed when it is only 10 degrees with the ceiling fan going and a heavy-duty doona.  I find it is easier to just flick the doona off and then cool off under the fan when the sweats come.  I'm forever washing sheets and pillow cases and frankly, I'm going to have to get disposable pillows.

The other not so glamorous side of menopause (or maybe the Tamoxofin) is the increase in facial hair.  What the hell is that about.  Is it because women on Tamoxofin probably went through chemotherapy and lost their hair some divine being thinks we need to make up for that? 

Still, I'm alive to tell the story so I shouldn't whinge too much but if somebody has some great ideas on how to get rid of facial hair then I'm happy to hear about it.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

I can't remember how long it's been since I went to the movies.  I am guessing it was to see Mama Mia which, by the way, I'm revisiting tonight on DVD.  Pierce Brosnan really is a sexy guy I think.  That's got nothing to do with what I'm blogging about but I thought I'd throw it in anyway for discussion.
Today I went to see The Exotic Marigold Hotel and I loved it.  I laughed and cried throughout and have come away wanting to be Judy Dench when I get older - I'm probably nearly there so I don't have much time to wait.  In the movie she even had her own blog site - already we have a lot in common apart from very short hair.

She is a brilliant and natural actress and played an amazing character, Evelyn, in the movie.  She was vulnerable and smart and incredibly brave and not scared to show emotion and by the end of the movie I felt so proud of what she'd achieved and that's what I want my friends and family to feel about me.  Pride.

Over the last 18 monhs, I've had so much change in my life I sometimes don't know which way is up but today's movie made me realise that life is forever changing and you need to go along with it and enjoy the ride but more importantly embrace the changes and the challenges it brings.

Although change when it happens can be stressful I think being scared that things won't change is even more frightening.

A major premise of the movie was, "It will all work out in the end and if it doesn't then it's not the end." 

MELT DOWN

We talk about having a melt-down like it is a bad thing but having recently had what I consider to be a serious melt-down I now think it is a good thing.  I've bounced back a little stronger with a new purpose and vigour in my life.

Think of melting down chocolate - what do you get?  Ganache.  What could be nicer?  You take something perfectly good, melt it down add a few minor ingredients and you get something better and way more versatile.  You can use it for icing, filling, decorating etc. etc.  Without a melt-down it would still be "just chocolate".

With a personal melt-down, you go crazy - nothing makes sense, you become paranoid, you cry a river of tears, listen to really sad country music, cry even more and drink a little too much alcohol - OK, drink way too much alcohol,  Then, if you are lucky, you get to meet with your girl friends and enjoy fabulous Thai food for dinner, drink a little champagne and they reassure you that you are great and doing really well. You then give yourself a serious talking to and promise to get your life back on track, eat healthy food and stop drinking alcohol, promise to ring up about those guitar lessons.  Voila, a melt down with a few added extras and you have come out the other side a better and stronger person.

What about aluminium - an amazingly strong metal and it comes from melting-down bauxite.  Well, I think that's how it's made anyway. I am sure it a little more complex than that but as this is my blog I have editorial licence.   Without melt-downs we wouldn't have discovered aluminium which is used to make all sorts of stuff, i.e. drink cans, aluminium foil etc. etc.

When glass melts down, you can create amazing art and glass sculptures.  Without a melt-down, all you have is boring old glass ...

Without melt-downs, we would all just stay the same.  We wouldn't be re-inventing ourselves to grow and develop.  A melt-down makes you stop and question, makes you ask how you can improve and be stronger.

Next time I am looking down the barrel of a melt-down, I shall embrace it and use it to toughen up.

HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO BUY A NEW CAR?

Ladies,  imagine going into a dress shop and asking “how much is this and do you have it in size 12?” and being told it depends on whether you are prepared to commit to buying it before they can give you a price.  Seriously, you would laugh and think they were joking.

It appears that this is what happens when buying a new car.  It is a very different ball-game and all the shopping rules that I’ve been brought up with have been thrown out the window.  I’m not sure over the last week if I’ve been trying to buy a car or force somebody to sell me one. 

Shoes always have the price clearly marked on them so you know if you can afford them or not.  Even in the supermarkets they clearly have the price of goods marked and even tell you how much per 100g the item costs so you can easily compare and this is for all items – regardless of how expensive they are. 

It’s not that I have anything against “haggling” but surely you need a starting point before you can begin the haggling process.   You know how it goes – Monty Python style - “Fifty bucks for this, you must be mad, I’ll give you forty-five.” 

It’s not that buying a car is an auction style affair where you just wander in and offer the first number that comes into your head and see what happens.  Actually, that sounds like my next step.  I might just go in and say I’d like this car with mats, cruise control, head-light protectors, bonnet protector, spare tyre (that’s not a joke – it’s hard to believe it’s an optional extra on some cars!) and I’m willing to give a $3000 changeover.   Maybe we would see how quickly they’d start talking dollars.

I started out looking forward to buying a new car and I thought it would be a simple matter of picking my favourites, test driving them, getting a valuation on my trade-in and coming away with a changeover figure.   I could then compare the cars I liked best and make a decision. If only it was that simple!  Two visits to two major car dealers and I still didn’t know how much either of the cars would cost me.  I would like to think they were trying to con me because I was a woman but I don’t even think that’s the case.  They seem to do it to everybody. 

If all firms played by these rules, people would be going through the supermarket check-out with no idea how much their weekly groceries would cost until they’d committed to purchase them.  People would be outraged and it wouldn’t be allowed to happen.

Fuel companies have to advertise clearly how much per litre they are charging for fuel – you don’t go and fill-up and then ask how much it will cost you.  You know up front before you commit to purchasing. 

For some reason, the price of cars must be kept a big secret until you are committed to purchase.  Surely people have the right to get prices and compare.

I was told by one salesperson that they didn’t want to lose my business because of price.  PRICE!! If only they would have given me a price.  I told them they would lose my business because they were doing my head in and left. 

Do they honestly think that this tactic is going to work?  Who would be stupid enough to commit to buying a car before knowing how much it will cost them?  They can sit me down, suck up to me, offer coffee and tell me they are there to help me but it is not going to make me fork over my hard-earned money without knowing the bottom line.   In fact, offering me road-side assist when I’m already in RACQ is probably not a massive big selling point and nor is having a courtesy car when mine is being serviced.  I would have thought one of the best selling points would be giving the prospective buyer a price so they could make a decision. 

It’s not “rocket science” – it is selling a bloody car and it should be a simple and enjoyable experience for the buyer, not an exercise in frustration. 

Playing Tourist

With visitors up from Victoria, I find myself playing tourist in my home town.  Relucantly, although I didn't let on because I didn't want them to think I didn't care about endangered species, I went off to see the turtles at Mon Repos.  My first surprise was that we weren't the only people there.  There were hundreds of people queing to see the turtles laying their eggs or the hatchlings making their way back into the ocean.  Who would have thought? 

The tourist guide told us way too often that turtles were wild animals and that we had to fit in with their timetable, not the other way around.  Personally I think somebody needs to have a word with the turtles.  Because of the huge number of people keen to see the turtles, we were in Group 3.  Again, the guide told us that if there was any activity on the beach we would be ushered down in groups. 

Bloody Group 1 got their call up within minutes of the gate opening.  Group 2 had to sit around for another good hour before getting "the call".  The rest of us were left to entertain ourselves in the ampitheatre in the semi-darkness.  After about an hour, I'd read everything there was to know about turtles, studied their skeletons etc. etc.  You could pretty much call me a turtle expert now.  We were actually doing turtle impersonations for each other - just in case we didn't get "the call" that's how sad it was.

Just as I was losing the will to live, Group 3 got "the call".  Yelling "Bingo" we lept to our feet and headed to the beach with our guide.  Apparently, there were a number of loggerhead turtle hatchlings ready to make their way into the wild and we were to witness this journey first hand.

All of a sudden I started to get a little bit excited as well as a bit sad.  Having become an instant turtle expert I knew that only 1 in a 1000 of these hatchlings was going to make it to adulthood.  Our group got to OOH & AAH over the tiny turtles before we built the "tunnel of light" to guide the little hatchlings into the ocean to begin their journey, or in most cases, get scoffed down by the first preadator that is bigger than it.  Let me tell you, they are very small so most things in the ocean are bigger than they are so you work it out!

Of course I didn't have a torch otherwise I could have been one of the lucky ones who got to form the tunnel of light and have the little ninja turtles scurrying betwen their legs and over their feet.  They looked so cute and as they bravely went into the ocean I shed a tear for them and thought how lucky I was to be able to bid these brave and magnificent animals farewell as they began their journey. 

I felt a little like a wildlife warrior and was so glad I stayed to watch the beauty of the little loggerhead turtle head off into the world against all odds.  I need to take a lesson from these little ninja turtles.  Like us, they don't know exactly what is out there in the world to harm them but they still bravely march off down the beach - they don't stay lurking on the sidelines of life, too scared to give it a 'shot'.

You go turtles ....

No point looking back

In trying to move forward, can you bring back the past and the things that used to make you happy?

Some things work and some things don't but I think you have to be careful not to expect too much.  Don't set your expectations too high because you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.  A friend of mine, and avid fan of The Sullivans, is revisiting her teens by watching the entire series of The Sullivans only to find that it's not as good as the memories of The Sullivans. 

Perhaps we are best to keep our memories in the background and pull them out from time to time like old photos and think, "those were the days, my friend". 

Something I loved to do as a kid was go to the show and eat dagwood dogs and creamy waffles.  When I revisited this as an adult I was sorely disappointed.  They were greasy and disgusting and I ended up with tomato sauce all over my clothes and felt a bit nauseous so, remember, not all past experiences are going to bring back the euphoria of youth.  Unlike boogie boarding - now that is something worth revisiting.

I recently went snorkelling at Lady Musgrave Island which was something I was keen to do when I moved back to Queensland.  I remembered it as being fantastic but, sadly, I came away a bit disappointed.  In my mind I'd blown it out of all proportion thus setting myself up for disappointment.  Maybe it had to do with the incredibly rough trip out there on the boat where I was only one swell away from throwing up!!  Don't get me wrong, it was nice but nowhere near what I remembered it to be.  As you can see from the photo - it is a beautiful island and the waters of the lagoon cover every shade of blue.  In fact, it is that turquoise blue that I've been looking for in a doona cover.  Obviously, my trip there wasn't wasted.

Even some movies that you remember watching when you were younger sometimes lose their gloss -obviously not "When Harry Met Sally" because that is a classic but many others don't give you that same buzz you once got.

Just like Vintage clothing, some things should be left in the past and looked back on fondly. 

How do I like my eggs?

Am I Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride"?  I have the freedom to be anybody I want to be but, in the immortal words of Janis Joplin,  "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose".

Twelve months ago, the life I had and was happy with disintegrated and I've been to hell and back and am now in the re-building phase.  As I was talking to my psychologist yesterday (thank God for her or there wouldn't be much re-building happening - there would only be crumbled foundations!) it occurred to me that my life is somewhat of a chiche.  I found myself saying things like, "I am a kinder and more compassionate person now",  "Time helps heal", "Need to find the passion", "Life is too short", etc. etc.  I sounded like a self-help book.

Back to Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride" ...  I am on a journey to find out how I like my eggs. 

Up to now I've often gone along with my partner's passion and now I need to re-kindle my own likes and interests.  As yet, I've not tried sky-diving or bungee jumping - who knows, that could end up on my list. 

I did go back boogie boarding recently and it was fantastic.  There is boogie-boarding after breast cancer which is good so that is definitely something I will continue to pursue.  My kayak finally hit water so that's another pursuit I shall continue with.  In fact, we are talking about an all-girl's camping and kayaking trip which could be interesting.  I shall keep you informed on how that pans out.  I have a swag so I don't need to pitch a tent but I have a feeling we could end up in luxury cabins by a dam somewhere sipping champagne on the verandah as the sun goes down.  Actually, the latter sounds a little more how I like me eggs...

I am going to be joining a Lions Club which I'm looking forward to getting involved with.  It will be nice to do some fund-raising and helping out in the community.  It's been years since I've done that and it was always something I loved to do when I was in my twenties.  I had so much support from people when I was undergoing treatment that I want to be able to "give something back" and I think this will help me to do that. 

So, things are slowly moving on for me and this next year is all about finding Debra.  I've no doubt there will be some pitfalls along the way but, as the saying goes, "Life is about the journey, not the destination". 

So many sayings and cliches and so little time.